Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Swamp Thing....




My very active husband returned home the other day from a long hike.  His shins and thighs covered in large scrapes and dirt, he socks caked in mud, his shoes the hue of dog shit cooked soft in the summer sun.  He's an avid hiker.  I'm glad he has stopped badgering me to tag along.  I don't hike, or run, or ski, or climb, or jump, or bungee.

"Do you like my new water bottle?" he asked.

"Sure, it's great", I say as I glance over to the dirty looking aluminum bottle sitting on the steps beside me.

"Cool", he says...."but you can't throw this one out!"

Let's go back a little ways here.  Maybe a month ago my husband came home from one of his numerous hikes and plopped a dirty, scuzzy water bottle swathed in duct tape on to the counter while I was doing dishes.  When I asked him "What the HELL is that THING?"  He proceeded to tell me he had found it on his hike in the middle of the woods.  "SO YOU BROUGHT IT HOME?" I screamed.  He whined that it was a perfectly good water bottle...even with the duck tape.  If my eyes could have reached out and slapped him, they would have.  "You found it in the middle of the woods because it's a piece of shit and some dumbass litterer person threw it away....why in the name of all things holy did you pick it up?"  He looked at me and all of his sweetness, his innocense, his heart...was clouded by the most idiotic and asinine comment he could have made to me at that point...."cuz' it still works."  "THROW...IT... AWAY", I growled.  I could see his mind quickly trying to come up with a good excuse as to why he should not throw the duct taped relic into the trash...but he came up empty...as he should have...because there is no excuse...none.

So back to the present....all cuts, bruises and smiles, he proudly displays his "new" metal water bottle and forbids me to throw it away.

"Why would I throw away your water bottle?" I ask.

"Cuz' I found it in the middle of a swamp while I was lost." he answers.

"WHAT?  YOU BROUGHT HOME ANOTHER PIECE OF GARBAGE?  YOU PLAN ON DRINKING FROM THAT SWAMP THING?  THROW IT AWAY...I'LL BUY YOU A BRAND NEW ONE....I THINK WE CAN AFFORD A WATER BOTTLE."  I am baffled.

"No, wait...it IS new....there was a brand new tag on the inside!  It's not garbage!  Really...it's fine.  It just needs a good washing."

So, my husband has a penchant for returning home with other people's garbage...I think he's lost his mind.  (Too much alone time in the woods isn't good for anyone)  I think we're on the fast track for that show on TLC....you know the one?  Hoarders....Buried Alive!  As I write this...Bren is in fact hiking....and before he left I forbid him to bring anything home.  "But sometimes people find good stuff while hiking".  He whined.  "What if I find a $100 bill...can I bring that home?" 

"That would be mandatory....disregard all my rules of bringing home garbage if it is PAPER money (and PAPER MONEY ONLY).  I will welcome that swamp trash into my home with open arms.

That's all for now,

xoxox

6 comments:

goodniteirene said...

he's saving our earth one sigg bottle at a time. kudos to brandi's husband.
maybe we should send him down to run BP.
thanks for the warm wishes. i'm lathering sunscreen as i type......
love,
katie

bernthis said...

I don't know one woman who would ever do that.

Men can really be...uh...interesting.

your friend laura said...

men.

honestly.

also, sending love. just because.

xoxo,
laura

goodniteirene said...

costa rica was fabulous!! i'm terribly sad to be home!!
but i missed my beasts.
i'm already back in the routine...4am, 2am wakeup calls, grrrrr.
how's brandi?
love,
katie

your friend laura said...

um...*tap, tap, tap*...hello?

i miss you.

xoxo,
laura

goodniteirene said...

like really?!?!? swamp thing? still?
can't you go to kinko's and at least change it back to winter olympics posts again? it seems as if it's almost that time for them again?
miss you!!!
get the fuck back into posting!!
love!