Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Swamp Thing....

My very active husband returned home the other day from a long hike.  His shins and thighs covered in large scrapes and dirt, he socks caked in mud, his shoes the hue of dog shit cooked soft in the summer sun.  He's an avid hiker.  I'm glad he has stopped badgering me to tag along.  I don't hike, or run, or ski, or climb, or jump, or bungee.

"Do you like my new water bottle?" he asked.

"Sure, it's great", I say as I glance over to the dirty looking aluminum bottle sitting on the steps beside me.

"Cool", he says...."but you can't throw this one out!"

Let's go back a little ways here.  Maybe a month ago my husband came home from one of his numerous hikes and plopped a dirty, scuzzy water bottle swathed in duct tape on to the counter while I was doing dishes.  When I asked him "What the HELL is that THING?"  He proceeded to tell me he had found it on his hike in the middle of the woods.  "SO YOU BROUGHT IT HOME?" I screamed.  He whined that it was a perfectly good water bottle...even with the duck tape.  If my eyes could have reached out and slapped him, they would have.  "You found it in the middle of the woods because it's a piece of shit and some dumbass litterer person threw it away....why in the name of all things holy did you pick it up?"  He looked at me and all of his sweetness, his innocense, his heart...was clouded by the most idiotic and asinine comment he could have made to me at that point...."cuz' it still works."  "THROW...IT... AWAY", I growled.  I could see his mind quickly trying to come up with a good excuse as to why he should not throw the duct taped relic into the trash...but he came up empty...as he should have...because there is no excuse...none.

So back to the present....all cuts, bruises and smiles, he proudly displays his "new" metal water bottle and forbids me to throw it away.

"Why would I throw away your water bottle?" I ask.

"Cuz' I found it in the middle of a swamp while I was lost." he answers.


"No, wait...it IS new....there was a brand new tag on the inside!  It's not garbage!  Really...it's fine.  It just needs a good washing."

So, my husband has a penchant for returning home with other people's garbage...I think he's lost his mind.  (Too much alone time in the woods isn't good for anyone)  I think we're on the fast track for that show on TLC....you know the one?  Hoarders....Buried Alive!  As I write this...Bren is in fact hiking....and before he left I forbid him to bring anything home.  "But sometimes people find good stuff while hiking".  He whined.  "What if I find a $100 bill...can I bring that home?" 

"That would be mandatory....disregard all my rules of bringing home garbage if it is PAPER money (and PAPER MONEY ONLY).  I will welcome that swamp trash into my home with open arms.

That's all for now,


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Death Traps, Mouth Nipples, Water Bans, PMS....Oh Yeah...And I'm The Family Pussy... ****UPDATED****

I've had a week from hell.  I want to just wipe this week from the books and start fresh...but nope...it's still going.  Figures.

First, my driver's side car door lock broke.  I couldn't get in or out.  Death trap on wheels...ah yeah.  I climbed over the passenger's seat, and got a shifter in the ass one too many times...so it went into the shop.  $700 later...my lock works...but I now have to use 2 different keys....one to open up the door, one to turn on the car.  What the F*ck?  I still don't have my car, and it's one week later.

(this isn't my mouth...but my mouth nipple looked just like that)  (Wish I was cool enough to have a gold tooth)
I didn't realize until a reader mentioned it...that this pic above looks a little like soft core porn....well it's not...so get your minds outta the gutter!

Then...I went in to have that fibroma thingy on my inner cheek (a.k.a mouth nipple) removed.  I was so excited!  No longer would I be accidentally chewing off my cheek while eating.  But I should've just put a ring through that bastard and left it alone...because if I knew getting it removed would've sucked so hard...I would never have done it.  Long story short...Novacaine wore off, pain hit, I cried...a lot, Tylenol didn't do shit, Doc prescribed pain reliever strong enough to use on a newborn babe, we went to the emergency room in the middle of the night, 6 hours of waiting and an IV of some really really good make you smile drugs, CAT Scan, blood tests, stumbled home, doubled up on Percocet for 2 days straight, missed work, my mouth tasted like metal from the cauterizing chemical, swollen jaw, egg on the side of my face, couldn't get the toothbrush into my swollen mouth, and there was this whitish slimy, gooey shit growing out of the pit that once was a nipple.  It pretty much just sucked all around.  I have never in my life felt pain like I felt from that little "removal".  I think the doctor hit severed some nerves or something.  He said I had a low tolerance for pain...my husband said that translated to him calling me a "Pussy"...can you sue a doctor for being an asshole?  My father suffers from Rheumatoid Arthritis; my mother gave birth to me without so much as a whimper, moan, or curse word and I flew out in like one push; my sister had broken ribs while she was pregnant....basically...they can handle their pain.  But me?   Oh no... I get to be the family "Pussy"...and I got stuck with the small boobs too.  Genetics...they're a bitch.

(Broken Water Main in Massachusetts)

THEN...our town was part of a water ban/boil water order.    Some pipe burst in a neighboring town causing devastating water loss and 30 communities (2 million people) including ALL of Boston could not use tap water.  I thought Brendan might die from lack of Dunkin Donuts large iced coffees. 4 days of no dish washing...and the damn dishes are almost up to the ceiling!  We had to boil water to use to brush our teeth, wash our hands, water our cats.  It's not easy to pour water out of a kettle onto one sudsy hand, then lather and wash the other while trying not to get the kettle all sudsy or toothpastey or whatever.  It blew.  A LOT.  But it's over.  I can shower without fear of E.Coli getting in my eyes.  Let's just say the bottle of Purell got a lot of use.

And to top it all off...I was a raging bitch the entire week because it was that time of the month...nuff said.

That's All For Now,

Monday, April 26, 2010

Dreaming About A Dining Room?????

I have been writing this blog for almost a year now...and I write a lot about the oddities of my life....but I never have really touched on what I do for a living.  I work in the interior design field....and I love it!  It really is a major part of my life.  I spend about as much time perusing design magazines, design blogs, retail stores, and catalogs as I do at work...so I eat, live, breathe decor. 

In the beginning, it was my intention to pepper this blog with my projects, my favorite rooms, ideas and also my home life and familial misadventures...hence "Duel Living".  But...that never really happened.  I found that there were a million design blogs out there that said exactly what I wanted to say and could do it better than I ever could.  Here comes another "BUT"....BUT....I find that there are just times when I can't hold back anymore and have decided to infuse this here blog (just once in a while) with some of my favorite things.  I hope that's OK with all of you.

First off...the room that I have been pining over for over a year.  If only I had the money to do it the way I see it in my dreams.  My Dining Room.  Right now it is a suckfest of mismatched shit and hand me downs.  I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns...that's quite a bit.  The idea of my "dream room"  has always been there behind my eyelids...I can see it...and soon....soon...it will become a reality.  I wanted to share a very rough draft of my vision. 

Behold...."Organic Modern"

The grey toned zebra printed linen will be the window treatments.  (CLICK ON THE PICTURE TO ENLARGE FOR A LESS BLURRY VERSION).  The table is a simple streamlined teak farmhouse style that I have mixed with some modern and inexpensive acrylic and chrome chairs.  That all sits on a very thin wool woven rug with a simple geometric pattern.  The sideboard is also teak and hanging above is a triptych of carved wood that has been white-washed for an organic "ethnic" feel.

The real beauty will be in the details.  The art that I have yet to find.  I see glass floating shelves with collections of pretty silver serving pieces and some found pieces of driftwood.  Stone trays with sage leaves and river rocks.  Things that don't usually match...but the "GO"....and they work.  It's pretty colorless as a whole...but that's where I am right now.  I'm "into" neutrals...soft, serene, simple.  I want to mix texture and textiles....light and dark..."Organic and Modern".

Well...there it is.  I will post before and after pics when I finish....which may take awhile.  But I kind felt if I showed a lot of people....threw it into the universe....maybe the hubby would "allow" the process to begin sometime in this decade.  So...feedback please???  What would you do if you could redo any room in your own house?

That's all for now,

Friday, April 16, 2010

I'm Smitten....

Hello all,

What do you think of the new facelift? This has been in the works for over a month now. I have been working with Smitten Blog Designs and they did a wonderful job! The new look is just what I wanted...playful, whimiscal, humorous....and very me. I found the background red pattern and went from there. The rest came from the photo below as my inspiration.

Okay...tell me what you think.


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The One Spider That Didn't Go SPLAT....

I watched a spider crawl across my windshield. I couldn't take my eyes away. Brendan drove, I watched the spider. It wasn't supposed to make it down the highway...it was supposed to fly away...flatten on the pavement...but it didn't. We drove the spider home.

I am feeling like that spider. Here I am curled up in a ball...days whipping by me like the wind. To and from work, street lights passing in my peripheral. Flowers are blooming amidst the spring floods...and it's all speeding by while I'm just trying to hang on. Where are the cops when you need to be pulled over...told to slow it down?

Days and days of rain...now thousands of little mosquito babies will be breakfast for my new spider friend. The sun will warm his 8 creepy legs; he'll stretch them across his silken doorstep. Maybe this is what I need...to get out of the car, slow it down...sunshine on my face....and a little bit of breakfast on my front porch.

I bought khaki pants at the mall...and a spider clung for dear life as we drove home...how very existential.
That's all for now,
P.S. I truly hate spiders. They creep my shit out. And of course the minute I start writing about them....one crawls across my computer screen...so...I smooshed it. It was a lil' one...no harm, no foul. Then....the mother of all spiders decides to crawl outta nowhere and try to eat me! (this all happened within a 30 second time frame) But don't worry...a nice thick copy of Lucky magazine and I taught that bitch a lesson. I fear that I have awoken the whole spider kingdom...and they only have eyes for me.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Heavenly Widened Roses....Seem To Whisper To Me....When You Smile.......

I'm sitting here in bliss as the sound of the rain beating against the windows intermingles with The Cowboy Junkies in my ears. It's the only thing that seems to be making the rain bearable....when it becomes the rhythm behind an enchanting song...and the backdrop for a contented mood.

That's all for now,

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Unburdening My Beast...

I went out to get cat food this morning....in the pouring, driving rain. As "Beast Of Burden" blared from my car stereo, I pulled into my driveway seeing only the silhouette of my own little beasts scratching at the window...awaiting their chopped tuna sensation.

"Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty...such a pretty girl....pretty......pretty......."

I had things on my mind. I left the umbrella in the car and decided to brave the downpour. I was to run in the house, feed the kitties, and then....go on a design consult (ON MY DAY OFF). Simple....quick....back in a flash.

Except...being the complete asshole that I am...I hit the button. The lock....I hit it....with the keys in the ignition, and the car still running. "Beast of Burden" still playing...but in that exact moment...I changed the lyrics.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid....stupid f*cking girl....stupid....stupid"

(I'm an ass)

EVERY SINGLE ONE of my neighbors in the entire neighborhood was at work. All of them. So I tried windows, climbed the roof and tried upstairs windows, tried basement windows...all to no avail.

"I walked for miles....my feet were hurtin'. " (with no umbrella, no purse, no cell phone) Cars splashed through puddles soaking me to the bone. My shoes leaked in the mud. My teeth chattered in rhythm with the pounding rain. I trekked to the nearest gas station and begged them to use their phone. The saint behind the counter saw how pitiful I looked...mascara snaking down my face....snot jingling from my bright red nose....crazy lady humming Rolling Stones tunes....and gave me his phone. I called my Mother-In-Law and luckily...she was able to bring me a spare set of house keys. A blessing!

I shivered my way into the warmth of my home and saw the little red light on the answering machine...it was work...the client had been waiting for me....I was 1/2 hour late. Damn...damn...damn! I called and sorried myself sick explaining my whole ordeal and bathed in her forgiveness and heart felt compassion.

Adventure kicked my ass today. That's how it all went down. Every single thing really happened...crisis transpired.

.....at least that's what I told my client..........

Really??? I must have hit snooze for awhile before the phone rang and my work woke my ass causing in an instantaneous freak out! So...I lied...and now...to you...I confess. I slept through my appointment. "Beast Of Burden" was just a dream....and I had an umbrella the whole time. But since I unburdened this beast of a lie...I feel a little lighter...though my cheeks a couple of shades redder in shame. My pants on fire....can you forgive me?

That's all for now,

P.S. Care to share some of your more interesting lil' white lies? I feel the need for camaraderie here.