Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Shh...Blitzen is gonna shank Santa...

I had a "THING" on my face. It wasn't pretty. It was a pulsating, pain inducing leech of a pus filled mound that was smack dab on the side of my nose. It was not pretty. I know I said that already...but it wasn't. Oh yeah...then it spread. Cheek, eye,

Pretty ain't I? I was going for the soft focus, big nose, pepperoni puff pastry look.

I went to see the doctor...and he told me I had....Shingles???? Don't only really really old bed-ridden, diaper wearing, moth ball smelling fogies get that???? Unfortunately for me...the answer was no.

Well, that's where I was for the last couple weeks...hiding Hunchback of Notre Dame style in my house coat and slipper socks. My hair was oil slicked and shingle pricked...and I'm sure I smelled awesome.

Brendan took every chance he got to mention the fact that I had Herpes. Even though it was just a "form" of herpes...he still decided my nickname would be Herps.

ME: "Hey Bren, guess what they call Shingles in Italy? St. Anthony's Fire. (cuz' it feels like fire)

BRENDAN: "Guess what they call em' in America? HERPES!"

Thank you Bren for your sympathy, your kind words, and your understanding. It was really a comfort that you were there to point out that the shingles on my face, so painful, so ugly were distant relatives to an STD...lest I are always there to remind me.

Slowly I started to heal...I went from pus filled lesions to scabby, flaky goodness with a smattering of pain and a shitload of itching. I picked...I said it...scars be felt good.

Finally the scabs started to flake off along with the rest of the skin on my face. It was so dry and badly in need of La Mer. I went back to work and basically sat on my ass...I felt like I had Mono again.

BUT....It's finally over!!!! I'm feeling better....and my spots are fading and easy to cover with spackle (I mean make-up). I missed you all so much, and want to say thank you for all of the get well comments and wishes....way better than any Christmas present!


Brendan and his gang of brothers
(oh, and the old guy is the handyman....Eddie)

Brendan and I went to his parents' for Christmas this year. Bren has a shitload of brothers...and they all have wives and it was like an Amish Christmas in Connecticut (with lots of booze and a little less facial hair....sans bonnets). We had a time. Having all those brothers together in one house....well....lets just say the walls were dripping with testosterone. If I hear the word girth or cock one more time...I'm going to have to check to see if I sprouted one...if I do...I hope it's got gobs of girth.

We Yankee Swapped, we injected H1N1 vaccines (Bren's dad is a doctor), we toasted, we played games, the women were subjected to an obscene amount of foul smelling odors and gag worthy noises...but it was all so much fun!

Me striking my "sexy" elf pose. FAIL !!!!

AND....I got a SHAM WOW! Hell Yeah!!!! Brendan would never let me have one of those nifty little f*ckers cuz' he said it was the same thing as a regular shammy (what dillhole doesn't know the difference between a SHAM WOW and a shammy?) BRENDAN .

Santa was good to me this year....well besides the whole "shingle" thing...well on second thought...EFF YOU're a prick!!!! I hope Blitzen sticks his antler up your ass and throws you off a really really high roof. Since this year you were way too generous with the face fungus...let's work on 2010. Next year please bring me a new bathrobe...the camera case you got me this year somehow just doesn't cover my ass quite as well.

That's all for now,


Wednesday, December 23, 2009


I haven't been having the best of holiday seasons. I am slowly recuperating from a bout with Shingles. (Yeah, I though only old folks got it too). I feel like I'm on a permanent Valium trip and I can't get off the ride. SO TIRED!!!

I just wanted to say Herpe Holidays...oops...I mean Happy Holidays! I hope all is well with you and your families, and that you all get good shit in your stockings or your menorahs (or whatever thing you put your holiday loot in.)

I will be posting again soon...I hope.

That's all for now,

Monday, December 14, 2009


I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm outta commission for a few days. I'm not feeling very well...and once I've rested and started feeling better...I will be back with a vengence. I'm hoping to post again in the next few days so check back.

See you soon!

Monday, December 7, 2009

The WTF Blanket

Well...I finally got my Snuggie. And fashion be's the best $14.99 I've ever spent! I highly recommend it to all you assholes out there who keep your heat at 62 degrees like we do here at our igloo ( I mean house ).

It's long, cozy and all mine! Oh yeah...and my husband HATES it...but I just chalk that up to jealousy.

And then....a few days later....he shows me this:
And let me just say....we laughed our asses off! I like my Snuggie even more!

I really wanted the zebra one....
then I found this:

Well...all of you Snuggie don't know what you're missin'.

That's all for now,

Friday, December 4, 2009

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes....

Smoke and mirrors...that's all it really is isn't it?

Illuminated for a short moment...our own twists and turns, tendrils and ribbons...float then fade, and if we are lucky...someone...captures that moment and remembers.

Something misshapen. Something incidental...incandescently beautiful...rolling for a heartbeat then changed forever.

A wash, a flood, a flicker...a twirl of a lover's hair. A memory, a vision...a creation only seen by a focused lens. Exhaled grace. A snap of wanderlust. A pinafore that disappears as the decades form creases across that pretty dress.

This is smoke and mirrors...our lives lit like the grayish fumes from a cigarette. Reflected back upon ourselves...we see the cadence of our youth....maybe hear the tick of winding clock. Each one of us is like a Rorschach...what do you see when you look at the billowing wings? Do you see my eyes, my fingers, my liberty? Back lit from a candle, plumes of smoke dancing in time for one quick frame...a mirror is placed just so....can you see my secrets?

That's all for now,

P.S. Brendan just came back from ANOTHER business trip, and while I was explaining this post...raving about how beautiful and amazing smoke art is...guess what popped up on the TV screen at the very same moment? Just guess! Yup...smoke billowing across a black screen. I looked at Brendan and said..."OH MY GOD! LOOK! I TOLD YOU SO! It was freaky. Well, it was a commercial for something lame...but it was freaky. If this makes no sense ***see previous post****

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

"I Speak Loudly For Those Who Have No Voice" - Captain America

me in my Super Hero alter ego Underoos...."Knee-High Barbie"

I have a super power. Don't didn't know because I've never really told anyone before (except my husband). It's not really "super" like being able to fly or some shit like that...but I'm convinced that if I don't keep this power under wraps it will be coveted by fine institutions like the CIA, FBI, or NASA. I really don't want to be quarantined or mind melted by some sort of rogue super power stealing's mine and I'm keeping it. So don't tell anyone. K?

I don't know when it started....15...younger, older...who knows? But it's been going on for years and every time my abilities present...I blow my own mind that I am just THAT talented.

There is no name for what I am. Psychic? No...not reeaallly. Super duper Influencer? Um...maybe? now I'll tell you. My "super power" is entertainment based. Huh? You heard me. See, sometimes I'll just be randomly thinking about some random old TV show or movie I haven't seen in years....and lo' and behold....I flick on the TV a day, or week later...and there it is...on TV for the first time since like 1986! Freaky right? It happens all the time.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my boss about some old TV show that I used to watch when I was little. I couldn't think of the name of it and it was driving me CRAZY! You know the one with the guy in the flesh colored body suit that showed all of his organs (it was educational not gruesome) and he had a 'fro? Well, I Googled, and I Googled...and I finally just called my sister...and of course she just automatically said, "SLIM GOODBODY!". OOOOHHHH yeah! Slim Goodbody! My boss then remembered watching the show and we laughed at how we both used to laugh at the "bulge" beneath the large intestine...anyway...2 days later my boss came into work and said, "you'll never guess who is going to be at my son's school tomorrow?" Nope I would never have guessed...."SLIM GOODBODY"!!!! No shit?

I actually made him APPEAR? I know, I know, it's crazy...but it's true. He's like 50 years old now and started making appearances at schools...and it. You're'll be OK. I only use my powers for good.

That was just one little example...there is too many to list. I "influence" things so often...old Roseanne reruns, the new season of Hoarders (you're welcome), Pee-Wee Herman's return to Saturday morning television....all me!

What would you call this "power"? It needs a name...or I need a super hero persona or something. Help! Just keep it on the down low. powers could be desirable to the "enemy" and be used for evil if put into the wrong hands. Instead of The Blue Lagoon movie on could be forced to watch reruns of this guy and his "happy little clouds":

That's all for now,