Monday, August 17, 2009

Ronald McDonald Gets "The Talk"...

Once upon a father brought me to McDonald's for "dinner". I must have been about...oh, I don't know...12 or 13. I ordered the "usual" Chicken McNuggets (BBQ, Sweet n Sour, and Hot Mustard). We took our grease and salt and sat on the spinning plastic chairs next to the watercolor of Grimace and the Hamburglar. And there...under the Golden to a life size statue of Ronald McDonald father...gave me "the talk".

Oh wow! I remember feeling the salty fries sticking in my throat. I remember the watercolor painting dancing in my peripheral. I remember the underside of my eyelashes seeming very interesting...don't look up...don't look up.

"If you are going to have sex...use a prophylactic", he said.

Shit...shit...shit!!! Uh...ok...Bueller? Anyone? GULP. Breathe. GULP. Profa what?

"Uh...what's a prof-a-lastic?" Why? Why? Why?

"A condom Brandi...A CON-DOM."

Swallow, breathe, look up. Pause...casual shoulder shrug...


And that was it. That was the talk. Along with the Morman Teenagers Bible (we are not Morman) that preached praying instead of touching yourself... just use condoms...that's all he said. (The one time my dad didn't hide behind the big gray chair when "God's Followers" knocked on the door...was the day they were selling Teen did he get roped into that one?)

...We went home...and that was the day that Ronald McDonald lost his innocence. And from then on...any time I heard a word beginning with the PROF sound (proofread, professor, profess, profound) I always thought of condoms.

Fast forward to high school health class a few years later. Mrs. Can't Remember Her Name rolling a condom on a cucumber. She says to, "roll the prophylactic down the shaft and save room for a little "reservoir" at the tip. And there I sit...tasting Chicken McNuggets and salty bile, again starring at the underside of my eyelashes and picturing Ronald McDonald with a condom on his red and gold clown junk.

I am forever tainted. I get it all mixed up. Condoms and proofreading. Cucumbers and clowns. Latex and Grimace. Ribbed for her pleasure, Mrs. Can't Remember Her Name, my Dad, and me at Mickey D's sharing a shake, eating apple pie, and teaching good ol' Ronnie all about safe sex AND ba da dant dant da....we're LOVIN' IT!

That's all for now,

P.S. Don't worry Dad...I still like Mickey D's. I think you turned Ronald McDonald gay...but I'm cool. Thanks.


dedra said...

Brandi!!! have me rolling right now!!!! I love checking your blog.... You always have me with a big smile at the end!!! lol...I love you so much...and can you please write a book so my husband can see me reading a book!!!! tons of xo's!! <3 Dedra!

Kenge said...

LLLLMMMMAAAOOO!!!!!!! I am laughing SO hard right now, I have tears rolling down my cheeks! I can barely see the screen!!!

This was SUCH a funny story. lol. I wish I could have heard you tell it. lol. Aside from the talk itself, if I EVER heard my mom say "prophylactic," I would have probably fell of my chair and had a heart attack. lol. I have never heard anyone actually use that word.

B, this story was priceless...I'm still laughing! LoL