Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Shh...Blitzen is gonna shank Santa...

I had a "THING" on my face. It wasn't pretty. It was a pulsating, pain inducing leech of a pus filled mound that was smack dab on the side of my nose. It was not pretty. I know I said that already...but it wasn't. Oh yeah...then it spread. Cheek, eye,

Pretty ain't I? I was going for the soft focus, big nose, pepperoni puff pastry look.

I went to see the doctor...and he told me I had....Shingles???? Don't only really really old bed-ridden, diaper wearing, moth ball smelling fogies get that???? Unfortunately for me...the answer was no.

Well, that's where I was for the last couple weeks...hiding Hunchback of Notre Dame style in my house coat and slipper socks. My hair was oil slicked and shingle pricked...and I'm sure I smelled awesome.

Brendan took every chance he got to mention the fact that I had Herpes. Even though it was just a "form" of herpes...he still decided my nickname would be Herps.

ME: "Hey Bren, guess what they call Shingles in Italy? St. Anthony's Fire. (cuz' it feels like fire)

BRENDAN: "Guess what they call em' in America? HERPES!"

Thank you Bren for your sympathy, your kind words, and your understanding. It was really a comfort that you were there to point out that the shingles on my face, so painful, so ugly were distant relatives to an STD...lest I are always there to remind me.

Slowly I started to heal...I went from pus filled lesions to scabby, flaky goodness with a smattering of pain and a shitload of itching. I picked...I said it...scars be felt good.

Finally the scabs started to flake off along with the rest of the skin on my face. It was so dry and badly in need of La Mer. I went back to work and basically sat on my ass...I felt like I had Mono again.

BUT....It's finally over!!!! I'm feeling better....and my spots are fading and easy to cover with spackle (I mean make-up). I missed you all so much, and want to say thank you for all of the get well comments and wishes....way better than any Christmas present!


Brendan and his gang of brothers
(oh, and the old guy is the handyman....Eddie)

Brendan and I went to his parents' for Christmas this year. Bren has a shitload of brothers...and they all have wives and it was like an Amish Christmas in Connecticut (with lots of booze and a little less facial hair....sans bonnets). We had a time. Having all those brothers together in one house....well....lets just say the walls were dripping with testosterone. If I hear the word girth or cock one more time...I'm going to have to check to see if I sprouted one...if I do...I hope it's got gobs of girth.

We Yankee Swapped, we injected H1N1 vaccines (Bren's dad is a doctor), we toasted, we played games, the women were subjected to an obscene amount of foul smelling odors and gag worthy noises...but it was all so much fun!

Me striking my "sexy" elf pose. FAIL !!!!

AND....I got a SHAM WOW! Hell Yeah!!!! Brendan would never let me have one of those nifty little f*ckers cuz' he said it was the same thing as a regular shammy (what dillhole doesn't know the difference between a SHAM WOW and a shammy?) BRENDAN .

Santa was good to me this year....well besides the whole "shingle" thing...well on second thought...EFF YOU're a prick!!!! I hope Blitzen sticks his antler up your ass and throws you off a really really high roof. Since this year you were way too generous with the face fungus...let's work on 2010. Next year please bring me a new bathrobe...the camera case you got me this year somehow just doesn't cover my ass quite as well.

That's all for now,



goodniteirene said...

ouch!!!?!!? are you kidding me? i can't believe you held out that long on scratching. i would have cheese grated my face on the first inkling of a tickle. glad to hear you're feeling better. scars be damned.
xo, katie

Petunia Face said...

Ugh, my mom has shingles right now. What is going on???

Duel Living said...

It must be the season...fucking Christmas and all!

L said...

just found your blog via petunia face.

am laughing so hard i'm peeing my pants and crying simultaneously. too much leaking, i say. too much leaking.

you're. hilarious.