Friday, February 5, 2010

Wake Up Dear...There's A Monster In The Wall....

So...last night I was just settling down for a night of dreaming and drooling...when a scratching noise in the corner of the bedroom caught my attention. My first thought was, "what the hell are the cats doing now?" So I turned on the light, and...nuthin', zilch. Max was happily perched on his kitty condo. Gus was snoring belly up on the recliner downstairs. Then I heard the noise again....WITH THE LIGHTS ON! That is when the situation became dire. Since all were present and accounted for, my second thought was, "what the f*ck is trying to get outta the wall?"

It was the middle of the night...but of course I was just going to bed. I sat there thinking to myself...maybe I had already started dreaming....but THE LIGHTS WERE ON! Scary noises aren't supposed to happen with the ever powerful lights on. Lights are like cryptonite to scary things and noises. Last night...the lights failed me. They failed us all.

I woke up Brendan. I'm sure he thought I was losing it. "Honey....Honey....Bren.....Bren....wake up! There's SOMETHING IN THE HOUSE! Listen............." Of course the noises stopped when I squealed aloud that they in fact existed. And Brendan began to doze again...eyes half open, ears all the way closed. "Wait....wait...listen!!!!!" Unfortunately for me...the noise presented again. Fortunately for Brendan...his wife wasn't a total nutter.

"It's probably just a mouse in the wall," said my husband. "It's not a lion. It won't hurt you. What do you want me to do?"

"GO GET IT OUT!!!!!! Check the closet, kill it, it's alive, and diseased, and infected, and it's trying to eat it's way out into our BEDROOM!!!!!!!!!! Maybe it's in the closet....go check the closet!!!!! IT'S A MANIMAL!!!!"

So Brendan pulled himself from the warm covers to humor me...and of course found nothing. He also went all the way downstairs to rouse a rather groggy and scraggly Gus from his belly up slumber to shove him in the closet at my command. Gus would have none of it. He just wanted to lay in front of the closet....and sleep. So did Brendan.

I sat up all night and stared at the wall. I willed the scratching and scampering to go away. The noise was too big for a mouse. This was a monster...a mutant...a killer. The cats started going crazy around dawn...pacing, and sniffing, and pacing, and jumping. The noise continued...I drifted in and out of sleep. It sucked hardcore!

Work was not sleep...scary visions of returning home to find a hole eaten through my bedroom wall and some random Rabied out ninja rat to be sleeping on MY side of the bed.

I called my family for support, made Bren call the landlord, Googled "Animal THING in wall"...and I found this:

That is when I lost my shit. THIS IS A DEAL BREAKER! I could maybe handle a mouse, a squirrel, a....gulp...rat......................but a POSSUM ???? HELLS TO THE MOTHA F*CKIN' NO!!! Those circus freaks are an abomination to the animal kingdom...and if there happens to be a possum in my wall..........I swear I will move out and never look back! I shudder at the thought of those beady eyes, that scary ass tail, that long pointy face waking me up just to say hello...then EAT ME! (I've had a few past run ins/bad experiences with Possums. There was an incident with a cat and mistaken identity....note to all readers...don't say "Here kitty kitty" to a Possum and try to pet will growl, snarl, and then chase you....and probably eat you as well.)

The landlord has since brought a "humane" trap and set it in the crawl space near our bedroom wall. But if I find a possum in that animal lovin' ways are here-to-fore extinguished and there's gonna be a posse stringing up that possum...and the head honcho in going to be ME. It's on you Possumy Piece O' Shit!

That's all for now,


your friend laura said...

1. you are freakin' HILARIOUS.
2. i hope it's not a possum. like, for reals.
3. i left a comment for you on my blog. ;)
4. big hug.

with love from pittsburgh,

Cindy said...

I know this has been traumatic for *you*, but reading it has been hilarious.

After I moved out of my house (which I was beginning to fear was haunted) I went back and met the new owners. They had discovered that the attic was full of squirrels! EEK! And unlike possums, they move QUICKLY. I mean, we've all seen "Christmas Vacation," right?

Good luck. Makes a person glad to have a landlord to do the dirty work.


Niki said...

OMG OMG OMG I can relate if you remember!! Not only did we have squirrels in the walls they ate a hole into Jadyn's room. So you should also be concerned when your yet unborn starts talking to the walls at night claiming her friends live there!!!!

Duel Living said...

Niki...I remember the squirrels in the walls in JJ's room....I forgot she talked to them and considered them her That's my girl. Maybe she can come here and be the "horse whisperer" to my MANimal.

bernthis said...

I had to read this post with only one eye open. I cannot stand any type of rodent. Oh God, I think I would move

goodniteirene said...

goddamnit! i wrote a long comment. there was wit! and sass! tis now deleted by the gods of blogspot!!!

Susan said...

I would move. I really would.

Susan @

Maggie May said...

Possums are REALLY SCARY. So I totally get this.