Friday, February 26, 2010

There She Goes Writing About Underwear...AGAIN....

Dear Victoria's Secret Cotton Bikinis (oh, and you too Walgreen 3 pack for $5.99),

The time has come for us to part ways. It's definitely you not me. Since middle school...I have worn your "kind"... and I have owned the saggy butt, the fraying crotch, the unstretchy elastic...but I have to say....that you kinda suck and I'm over you....I wanna find someone new.

Where did we go wrong? Why couldn't you just lay light and flat across my flesh? Instead, you pulled, and slid, and split my ass cheeks in me four lumps and the dreaded panty line. I can't even tell you about all the remarks I have to endure from my co-workers.

I tried your little brother's style....the "Boy Short"....but he fared no better. That little f*cker gave me a bitchin' case of fredge (front wedge)....I believe the technical term is "Camel Toe". Maybe one can get by pickin' their seat once in a while throughout the day...but there is never a time or place to pick anything out of your crotch. I just don't approve.

So...attempting to evade the earth shattering appearance of the "panty line"...I broke my own personal moral code and...gulp...attempted to floss my ass. TOO MANY TIMES. I just don't get how I just didn't "get it". THONGS SUCK! Everyday I wore one of those vaginal torture devices...I was a bitch in Brandi's clothing. I would squeal into the driveway after a long day of work...ass crack rubbed raw...and fumble up the stairs to get to you my bikinilicious friend. But no more. You will be my polka dotted, zebra striped, white cotton more.

You and your "family" of organic breathability have really let me down. I have had to choose between 4 ass cheeks in the back, a set of lady balls in the front, or rug burn on my...well on my rug. I'm at my wit's end.

I'm setting you to fall apart and pill at will; free to separate body from elastic waist. You can squander someone else's dignity and/or derriere. I'm done. I've come to believe that bamboo or modal or even rayon may be a better fit for me. I hope you understand. Good luck and Godspeed. I may keep some of you around for that one glorious week a month know...uh...I'm riding the crimson wave...or whatever.


P.S. Does anyone know of a good pair of organic undies that do not make their owner's ass cheeks look like a couple of hogs dancing under a blanket? (aka...cause no panty lines) My ass will forever be indebted to your wisdom and suggestions.


goodniteirene said...

oh dear god in heaven!!!!
get thee some "hanky panky" (literally ......maybe figuratively too).
as it says on the website....."most comfortable underwear" ever!!!
happy panty-shopping.

erica said...

I'm gonna try my new gap 100% cotton undies today - I'll let you how it goes. They are not organic, but they're cute and look like they will be perfect.

Anonymous said...

I stopped waring 'em when I moved to San Diego and never looked back. - brad

Cindy said...

"4 ass cheeks in the back, a set of lady balls in the front, or rug burn on my...well on my rug"

You slay me.

On the rare occasion that I try to wear a thong, I feel ALL DAY like I have to poop.

They are not organic, but I have worn nothing but Jockey for Her grundies for many years now. I usually buy cotton but recently tried other versions that I also liked. I've never have had a problem with any of the aforementioned maladies. Try them and thank me.


Cindy said...

Excuse the typo. I was just so gosh darned excited to talk about my undergarments.

Anonymous said...

Brandi - you crack me up (no pun intended!) I look forward to your posts and proceed to laugh hysterically. Have you ever read any books by Jen Lancaster? Your blogs remind me a lot about her writing - you should check them out...and also write a book. Just sayin'...


Duel Living said...

Thank you all for the suggestions!

Cindy-obviously you know....I feel your pain with the whole thong thing.

Brad-did you give up cotton bikinis or just undies in general?

Katie-I don't know if HankyPanky can handle my prudish, vanilla taste in underwear...but I'll check it out.

Erica-Cant wait to hear the results....

Kristi-Oooh...I love a good suggestion for new reading. I have never heard of Jen Lancaster, but I most certainly will check her out. And if I ever write a will be in the acknowledgements stating you were the one who told me to write what could literally be the worst piece of literature ever. LOL.

Love you all!

Niki said...

You could always try commando!