Thursday, October 29, 2009

Required Watching = SUPERNANNY

As that ticking time bomb of my "biological clock" ticks louder and louder in my ears....I am seriously pondering if I'm up for becoming a mother.

See, I was raised by my father...a no nonsense kinda guy who gave me two choices...

1. His Way


2. Too F*uckin' Bad

Needless to say, I always chose "His Way", and in the event I chose anything else...I rarely did it again. Yo Dad...BRAVO! I am right now, at this very moment, applauding you. My teenage years were a little turbulent with you, but LOOK AT ME NOW!!! Perfection.

I work in a retail furniture store, and let me just say to all of the parents out there that may be reading this...WTF are you doing to your children? Yes, I say doing TO your children...because by giving them all of these "options" at 2,3,4,5 years old...they are bound to get it a little f*cked up.

Parents come into my store all the time and their children run rampant...out of control...driving me nuts. I am known as being the store hard ass...I don't care what the parents think. You better believe I tell their children NO RUNNING! NO JUGGLING the stupid shell ball thingys that serve no purpose but to tempt children to juggle them. NO SCREAMING! And parents...that means you too. If your kid is climbing on the seat of a 12" realistic bicycle (meant to sit on a shelf for some ridiculous purpose) get off your lazy ass and tell them NO! Don't scream at them across the store to "Please stop Little Becky/Jimmy/Frodo/Optimus Prime. Doesn't work does it? Nope.

I love the quote...

"This is not a's a dictatorship"

True dat!

I believe in giving children choices that they are capable of making..."do you want to use the green crayon or the blue one?" "What book would you like to read at bedtime tonight?" I don't however, believe children learn from being given so many options. There is a point where there is no possibility of making sensible choices. "What do you want for dinner tonight Apple/Billy/Terminator/Brutus?" And when you say no to his request for Jolly Ranchers and milk shakes...he throws a fit. Well??? You asked him what he wanted for dinner Dumb Ass. He is just a 4 year old. My advice...put the chicken nuggets in front of him on his little Thomas the Tank Engine plate and tell him to enjoy! If he doesn't give him 2 options...

1. Eat It


2. Too F*ckin' Bad...go hungry.

You may ask why I think I know it all? You may think...sure...she doesn't have a kid how can she stand up on that soap box and preach to the parental choir? I'll tell you why. I was a nanny for a lotta years. I learned a lot about disciplining 3 toddlers without the having the option of corporal punishment (which sometimes sucked). I have also been childless for these last 30 years, looking in from the outside and watching all of these f*ck up parents reading books like "Never Say No To Your Child" and laughing cuz' they've raised a completely rude, discontented, and lost little kid. Of course you should say no to your kids. By all means, they have to learn to make their own decisions, but that comes in time...not in infancy. They don't learn morals, values, and respect from being able to pick out their dinner menu, or running in a furniture store.

Okay, I have stepped down off my soap box now. Thanks for listening to medium sized rant. My worst fear in life is to choose to become a mother and then to do the job badly. It is a juggling act...with kids...not little shell ball thingys...and I'm scared.

And don't get me started on....

1. Parents who allow their children to sleep with them until they are 9.
2. Children who are still suckling from their mother's teat at 5. (If it were necessary the rest of the animal kingdom would be doing it. Do you see 5 year old elephants still sucking their mother's elephant sized breast? Nope...she would have stomped that little elephant ass and said go get yourself a peanut or some shit like that.)
3. Rich parents who buy their children's love/adoration/place in college, society, and life. (MTV spawned the series My Super Sweet 16 to showcase bratty spoiled teenagers and instead created a cult of teenagers aspiring to have the latest Jay-Z knock off at their parties...and now their parents are expected to shell out.)
You know what I got on my 16Th birthday? I got the chance to drive my Dad's car to get Chinese food less than a mile away from my front door. And you know what? I grinned ear to ear the whole way!!!!

That's all for now,

P.S. I'm sure someone is going to let me have it...I'm ready...and I'll still love you.


Anonymous said...

How true! You are the hardass at the store but someone has to do it and you don't mind so we just let you. I don't think I have experienced so many fits/meltdowns as I have this week. Not giving in a really hard. Trust me Tommy will be outta our bed shortly. No way in hell will he be there until he's nine. Love it. Love you!

Cindy said...

I have two children and 4 step kiddos. I totally agree with you. Sounds to me like you'll be a good mom!

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with the choice thing. My dad gave us the 2 options your dad gave you - and we both turned out pretty great. However, I do have a friend with a 4 year old who gets options for every single, solitary detail of her day and let me tell you that 4 year old is the biggest BRAT I've yet to meet. (I was a nanny too!) Great Blog girl! Always a joy to read! BTW - I hear you about the biological clock!! :-) -Kristi

Brandi at Duel Living said...

Beth- you have time girl...Tommy is still a lil' one...his toddler bed is gonna be great!

Cindy-sounds like you have your hands full! Next time you are at Pet Smart...pick up some extra leashes and a muzzle or two :)

Kristi-Let's get our Dad's together for some steak. And let's set our bio clocks on snooze...

Niki said...

As your sister you so know I can relate to everything you said...including being one of those parents at times I am sad to say. Loved all of it, but the big question now is.....WHEN THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME AN AUNT?????

Brandi at Duel Living said...

Dude (Sis this means you)...the clocks on snooze! I'm enjoying my vaginal elasticity and my bladder control right now...I've got the granny panties waiting in the wings...well actually on my ass right now...just gotta get mentally prepared. In the mean time...kiss yours for me. I love being an's the greatest...maybe someday you can try it! Ha ha...snicker...sticking out my tongue!

Beth said...

Ahh....what's that on the kids jacket? naked ladies.....