Tuesday, October 6, 2009

What A Girl Wants...

I used to break the erasers off of pencils and put them in my training bra. See...I thought having pointy nips meant I was a "woman". That's all I wanted to be when I was a little 'un. I thought of all of the coolest things that all of the prettiest and coolest women I knew had...and I wanted them too. Like Farrah Fawcetts pointy nips...among other things.

My step-sister (before she was my step-sister) had a mouth full of the most beautiful metal. Her teeth gleamed when she smiled. She was soooo cool! She had the best dolls...the best "office supplies" to play "office" with...she wore high heels in high school...and she feathered her hair! I wanted to be her. She was a woman in my eyes.

So I stuck a barrette between my teeth and my lip...and smiled. I told everybody on the kindergarten playground that I...had indeed...received the awesome opportunity to "get braces". Slight problem...Gina Catalano (that uppity bitch) blabbed to the entire class that my "braces" were really just a plain ol' barrette. I was a fraud...a playground non-braces wearing, metallic tasting mouth fraud. Thanks Gina.

I wanted long fingernails too. I though that was the epitome of a woman...red claws. They were graceful and shiny, and great for pointing at stuff. I was a kid. My parents wouldn't let me get fake ones...so I tried everything. Bugles Snacks...pointy, perfectly conical for the "all around" fingernail look...and they were tasty too. I tried more barrettes...the snappy kind that you bent to close. Those were a little painful in the beginning...but after my fingers went numb...it was great! I didn't try and convince anyone but myself that they were real...Gina kinda ruined my mojo. I even saved my allowance for Lee Press On Nails! For the 15 minutes they stayed on...life was oh so blissful...and womanly...and red.

Yes...I did it all. I wore my "blankie" on my head so I could have hair as long as Crystal Gayle. (a big big dream of mine...HUGE). I bought fake glasses at Claire's Boutique (I did get away with passing those off for real for a few days...Gina moved away). I dreamt of beautiful gowns and satiny high heals that click clacked on the floor when I walked. All of these things were cool to me. All of these things meant being grown up. I wanted a pink car with a shifter. That was it. That was all. That's what a girl wants.
Fast forward. I suppose I can now say that I am a woman...though I still feel like I'm aching to find out what makes me so. I laugh at all of those things that I did to be beautiful...to be older...to be different.

Now that I need braces (at 30) I realize how much they suck and they don't make anyone a woman cuz' boys wear em' too. Long fingernails are for suckers...stuff gets stuck under them and you can't get a really good pick going without causing a nose bleed. I wear glasses now. Yeah...lucky me! That's exactly what I wanted and now I hate them. I still have flat boobs with perpetually pointy nipples. Now I know that this is way too much information...but it just goes to show...what a girl wants....loses a lot in the translation. I don't wear dresses...ever! Same goes for heels...whether they go clickty clack or not...they are uncomfortable and they are dumb. I hate the color pink and especially hate pink cars. I have a standard car with a "shifter"...it's a pain in the arse. I live in Boston...drive in bumper to bumper traffic...this isn't womanly...this is the cause of road rage.

What have I learned from this little diatribe? I had a really f*cked up vision of womanhood. Everything...all of it...that I wanted...is exactly opposite of who I am now. I just blew my own mind here! This is like therapy kinda shit. What was I thinking? And why didn't I listen to everyone that told me...I would hate braces, glasses were nerdy, fingernails were stupid, heels were painful, and none of it would make me grow up?

When I have children...I hope I have boys. They don't put stuff like barrettes or Bugles on their penises do they?

That's all for now,


Susannah said...

I unwound paper clips to then wrap around my teeth for a retainer (a sucked-on Jolly Rancher candy did the trick for the upper part).

Thanks for the super sweet comment on my blog. Made my day :)

Brandi said...

And Susannah...yours made mine.