FUPA SCHMOOPA

Why is it...that every time I drag myself to the mall (Brendan in tow) to buy clothes (which I desperately need) I can't find anything that I like, or that fits, or in my size? Are the mall gods playing a cruel cruel joke on me?

I need pants for work. I am down to 2 pair (which I wear everyday) and one pair is held together at the hem with staples...yes staples (and have been now for a year). The other pair is stained around the ankle from walking through the constant mud puddles and last winter's sludge. I am a fashion don't. Ever heard of a "fashion plate" ? Well...I am a fashion spatula, and any modicum of chicness drips right through the slats. Does someone want to nominate me for "What Not To Wear"? Puhlease?

And what is up with all of the high waisted trousers? I don't need pants to cover my nips....I need them to cover my ass. (It's flat but it's mine, and you don't need to see it) So this season the pants are high waisted...and the length is too long (I just don't wear heels). But every season seems to contain the pants with floppy front. You know, women's pants that look and feel like there's room for some balls? I don't have balls. Ladies....do you have any balls? If I had balls...I would buy these pants...but I don't have balls...so WTF do I do now? The girls at work taught me a new word...FUPA. For those of you not in the know...this means Fat Upper P*ssy Area. FUPA. OK....so I guess the pants designed for ball baggage are really meant for FUPA's??? This is all too hard....do they make FUPA underwear and bathing suits too? Have I been in the dark here? When should I expect my UPA to become a FUPA...and is it assured that it really will?

Fashion and FUPAs...F*CK!!!! Just give me a paper sack now...cuz' it's all goin' down hill from here.

That's all for now,

Brandi