Monday, July 6, 2009

Shits Ahoy!

I'll never forget the day my mother fished my shit out of Lake Champlain. I can't really say it any less candidly. It's what she did...and I'll never forget it.

We were on the and her...her and me. I told her I had to go to the bathroom. And though there was a beach house mother...busy having relations with the sun...told me to "just go in the water."

So I "just went in the water". And out to sea it went...well actually...out to lake.

I was pretty proud of myself. I walked back up to my mother on the beach, plopped myself in the sand and giggled as I watched my turd-berg bob and drift, steamy and perfect.

My mother wondered what I was giggling about...I pointed to my isle of perfection...she froze in horror...and proceeded to dive right in.

I watched her dump her iced tea, and wade into the crystal waveless depths...cup in hand...then scoop and cover.
My fun was mother so ashamed. I'll never forget that day...the day my shit submarine got shot down.

Today, I picture that same situation. What would he do if our child (someday) took a dump in the lake? Without a doubt...there's no question...he would have stuck a flag in it and screamed, " LAND HO !!!". He would be so proud. 'Cause that's just Bren...and guys are different. Brendan pees on dead fish on his way home from work...and why..."because you just have to pee on a dead fish!", is all he answers. I'm not talking about when he was 5
(he peed on meatloaf when he was 5)
(oh and his brother)
(on purpose)
(and told him he wet his bed)
(even though the wet spot was up by his head)
...he just peed on the dead fish last week, and probably yesterday. And he'll do it again tomorrow...if the dead fish is still there...or he'll find a live one that will challenge his ability and aim.

God I love my husband. God is he weird. Please don't let us have turd-berg producing children...please let them hold it in...I just don't think I could handle it if my kid dropped a deuce in the lake...and then my husband peed on it...

Thanks Mom, for fishing out my shit...(sh)it really means a lot.

That's all for now,

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