Thursday, September 17, 2009

Ah...There's Nothin' Like A Day-Glo At The Beach...In Brrrrrrrrrazil!

Does a Brazilian wax take it all or does it leave a strip? I can never remember as I have never before contemplated maiming my genitalia in such a way. But now...having the opportunity to vacation in the place of its namesake...I am wondering....when in Brazil...should I "do as the Brazilians do" ?

Yes, I am going to Brrrrrrrrrrrazil. (make sure to roll the R's as you read this) And I am scared. I am so not Brazil. I am South Burlington, VT...I am like Duluth, East Bum F*ck. I am a plain Jane. I lack the sizzle. I lack the saucy. I lack the ay yay ay.

I have seen too many Victoria's Secret commercials. (aren't they all Brazilian?) I am not 10 feet tall, nor am I hairless in "my down there places" (is that T.M.I. ?) nor do my buttocks ever hide a thong between them for the public eye to see...or really ever for that matter. (thongs are a last resort before laundry day...and you don't want to be around me on that's not pretty) I don't really know what to expect. I am not comfortable in my own skin...much less viewing anyone else's. Where do I look while at the beach? The water better be flippin' fantastic cuz' I gotta feelin' I'll be staring out there quite a lot. I don't want to see Brazilian boobies or anything any Brazilian man (much less American man) may be showing. It's bad enough that I will inevitably gaze upon a banana hammock or two...let's just hope they're not white....actually let's hope they aren't white OR wet! ...And I am going with Bren's let's hope that none of the men decide to try a thong...that could be a deal breaker.

I have seen only one (one is enough) movie that took place in Brazil, where American tourists get kidnapped, tortured, and have their innards ripped out for sale on the Black Market. Maybe I watch too much TV...but Brazil has two strikes already. Paling in comparison to beautiful girls and skirting the possibility of random organ harvestation aren't on the top of my relaxing vacation "TO DO" list. (I know harvestation isn't a word...but it sounds so good and smart)

I am going for a wedding...ah the joy of nuptials under a Brazilian sun. At least I think it's a wedding...the invitation is in Portuguese. But, whatever. It's a November, so it's better than being here. (organ theft or no)

Will you all miss me? Will you all recognize me when I return all tanned and hairless with my ass cheeks all flossed and flappin'? there will probably be no tan...I have somehow developed an adult allergy to the sun and am forced to wear SPF 90 and long sleeves...and remember....I am growing out the leg hair for a little "harvest" of my own.

Do I need red lipstick? For some reason I think all South American women wear red Maybe I'll just get me some neon and spandex, feathers and LEE Press On Nails...anything to ignite my Brandi ay yay ay. Should the above slightly derogatory stereotype of Latina women prove to be false...I am going to look like a complete Brrrrrrrrrrrazil.

That's all for now,

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