Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Back Up....Back Up...Mind Ya Bizness...


I am in a foul f*cking mood...the kind that would my shrink testicles...should I have been lucky enough to get some of those diamonds in a bag. I have no testes to shrink, and my boobs can't get any flatter...so my pissy mood has grown more despondent.

I have no real reason for this Bitch Fest...it's not like it's "Arts And Crafts Week" at panty camp.(thank you Hank Moody...I needed a reason to use that one) I just dunno...and I feel like venting.

I have seen way too many snotty noses in this past week! Mothers? Have you not heard of the recent outbreak of illness that is crippling our nation? Leave your sick and snot filled children at home, or at least wipe their noses and don't let them touch the shit where I work.

God Damn this whole dark before 4:30 bullshit! I hate driving to begin with...then I have to drive home IN THE DARK with 50,000 Bostonian assholes who don't know what a passing lane is...but do drive in the breakdown lane instead. Yeah...that's legal...between 7-10 am and 3-6 pm. Anyway...it's dark and I don't like it.

I used up an entire roll of toilet paper 3 days ago trying to get it started. Why the f*ck do they have to glue that first piece down? 17 tries later, all the plies pulled apart, I finally had a satisfyingly large enough wad, and then I hit cardboard. Cheap ass gas station toilet paper...$5 a roll...and now I'm left wiping my ass with aloe enriched Kleenex because I am too lazy to go to the grocery store. Oh yeah...and I'm in a bad mood...but my ass is as soft as silk.

What next? Oh...right...Brendan wants a Porsche for Christmas. I'm not even going to touch that one. Know what I want? A Snuggie...and yet he tells ME that I'M crazy! Won't his ass be cold standing in the driveway looking for his sparkly new Porsche on Christmas morning...and I'll be all warm and toasty in my new Snuggie...cuz' we can actually afford that!

Well...I'm done. I'm still all huffy and forlorn...but...now you know and can share my load. Speaking of which...I have to do laundry. Sonofab*tch! Screw it...I'm wearing Granny Panties tomorrow and if anyone has the slightest sense of self-preservation...they better keep their thong wearing, clean sock sporting, non-gas station ghetto toilet paper having mouths shut.

It's going to be a great day...

That's all for now,
Brandi
***I feel a little better now...thanks! ***

2 comments:

goodniteirene said...

get it out girl!! go trip a toddler; that always makes me feel better when i'm feeling extra witchy.
thanks for the laugh.
xo,
katie

Duel Living said...

Katie-thanks for the positive reinforcement! I'm eyeing the neighbors kids right now...they look so tasty.
-Brandi