Truth Be Told...I'm Less Young Than Old...My Feet Are Cold...This Rhyme's On Hold...

My birthday is coming...and I have a slight problem. I may be only turning 31, but my body feels more like 81 (achy). My social life is more like 51 (boring). My ass is like 61 (Saggy and flat). My boobs are like 11 (non-existent). My face is like 21...which is obviously OK, but...I'm just sick of people telling me I look "cute" (I hate that word...cute) and so young...and am I old enough to be married, decorate their living room, order a cocktail? That gets annoying...I know, I know, I should be thankful, but sometimes youth is confused for inexperience, or naivete, or stupidity. My mind fluctuates between 11 and 71 (infantile yet forgetful). I get the giggles when I hear the word penis...but sometimes I can't remember what a penis is. I laugh at stupid commercials...then I forgot that I ever saw them. I drive really slow in neighborhoods...but really fast on the highway...then I mix them up. (Sorry about your trash can Mr. Neighborman) So am I more young than old? More old than young? Let's see....

I'm Old: I would rather sit in my recliner and watch reruns of the Cosby show than go out to the latest club.

I'm Old: I got my first cell phone last year, never turn it on, and refuse to relinquish my land line. I will never text. I will never tweet. I really want a Jitterbug... That's all I REALLY need is a cell phone that says: Operator....Tow....911. Simple. Easy. Understandable. No lame ring tones. No stupid buzzy tweety twittery vibrating. Just a extremely large buttoned cell phone named after a kick ass swing dance!

I'm Old: I do not know how to scan anything onto the computer. I do not know how to "Upload" a photo onto the computer. I do not know how to "Unzip" a file. I have no f*cking clue what the difference between a J Peg or a PDF or PDQ is...whatever...I don't know what they are....I know what P's and Q's are....and I mind them.

I'm Old: I miss Ann Landers.

I'm Young: I have yet to start reading the Obituaries. Rest In Peace Ann Landers.

I'm Old: I play Canasta, Cribbage, Pinochle, and Dominoes online.

I'm Young: I play the above ONLINE.

I'm Old: I have the night sweats and hot flashes of a menopausal woman.

I'm Young: I have the attitude, bitchiness, and that whole monthly bleeding thing of a normal chick my age.

I'm Old: I like my vegetables soggy.

I'm Young: I eat Reese's Peanut Butter Cups for breakfast, or lunch, or a snack...well any f*cking time I feel like it...cuz' they're awesome!

I'm Young: Is that a zit on my chin? I'm going to be 31 for $%^&*sake! When do the wrinkles cover up the zits...you know kind of sag over the blemish...lap over the pustule?

I'm Old: What were we just talking about again?

Anyway, my birthday is coming whether I like it or not. I have to start working on those "goal" thingys that I had laid out back in my 20's...you know...kids, home, career...the usual. I guess in that way...I'm still pretty young...I have a lot left to accomplish...but I just know that I could do so much more in life with a handy dandy Jitterbug and a big glass of Ensure!

To Your Health!

xoxox,

Brandi